Today is Saturday and I am up a little before everyone so I can write. The problem is, I have grown tired of trying to write. Sitting down in front of the same words I looked deeply through yesterday and trying to lay down on paper the beautiful tapestry of plot, character development, and uniqueness that exists only in my mind, has grown tedious.
I know I can’t be the only person who absolutely wants to do much more with my life, but can’t seem to find the energy or even the will to lift a pen to inscribe that one conversation that my characters have that will burst through the reader’s heart.
You know what I did last night? I sat on the floor of my bedroom and whittled away at dowel rod, making the most ridiculous looking “Harry Potter” wand. I called it the Two Wand (all my wands get names, don’t judge me) because it looked like two different styles of carving. So I stained it two different colors with an obvious split in the middle.
I compared it to the Falcon, which has a raven claw at the end of it, and the Viper, which is carved in such a way that the wand looks like it is slithering, and saw that my heart wasn’t in the Two Wand.
Then I completely realized, I’ve lost heart. Those moments that bring me joy feel grey and bland. My arms feel heavy and I feel like I could sleep the day away. If I was by myself, I probably would today. But, instead, when the kids get up, I’ll be there watching them dance, play games, tell jokes. I’ll be present-minded. But at the end of the day – it’ll be waiting on me. The grey.
If you are reading this and it sounds too familiar, I’m with you. I know the longing for something more, the ache of emptiness. So, I’ll make a deal with you, okay? I won’t completely give up if you don’t. I won’t lose heart if you don’t. And in the darkness, remember I’m out here struggling with you. We will see the sun rise again, if we just get through the night.
Thanks for your readership. Never give up. Scribe On!